Patrick Widdess (30.7.06)

Janken

It had always been a sport the nation had excelled at and now they had brought it home. The finals of the international janken championship were being held in Japan and janken fever had swept the country. It was not only school kids who played energetically at every opportunity. Salarymen could also be seen competing with one another enthusiastically, commuters played electronically on their phones and elderly citizens whiled away the afternoons playing in parks and cafes.
Nobody decided anything without a round or two of janken. Companies employed graduates based more on their janken scores than their acadamic acheivements or interview performances, juries would deliberate for hours then reach a verdict after a single round. Even the prime minister was said to have reshuffled his cabinet after a four hour janken session.
Many variations of the sport evolved. Players who were tired of the three standard formations created new ones. There was the machete which required long finger nails, the land mine which was quickly banned in most circles and the atom bomb - a gauranteed winner but it required supple joints which took months of training to attain. A more dangerous variation was extreme janken in which players would hurl a brick, sheet of plywood or chainsaw at their opponents.
Over the last ten days it had been an exciting tournament. Nigeria had unexpectedly defeated Germany and Korea to reach the quarter finals, two Dutch competitors had been disqualified after failing drug tests, and debates continued as to whether a curved hand played by the Argentenian side was a rock as the referee had called it or paper as the English fans furiously maintained. For the last two decades the game had been dominated by the Chinese but now the Japanese team seemed unstoppable. Captained by veteran player Ryou Hashimoto it also included martial arts expert Takeshi Honda and the first female competitor in the finals Mei Inoue. They had played each match flawlessly and stormed through the tournament until as everyone had anticipated it was Japan versus China in the final.
The match was held at Tokyo Stadium. It was a sunny day and by three o'clock the stadium was packed and the heat was blistering. In the centre was a large stage with a big hand at either side. One was in scissors formation and the other was paper. As the start time grew near rock music blared out of the PA, banners waved and a giant fist rose up from the centre of the stage in a cloud of smoke. The crowd went wild as the fist opened and the referee stepped out followed by the two teams. The players all shook hands then stood in line while the two national anthems were played. Then it was time for the final showdown.
Ryou was first to face the Chinese captain Rock (his English stage name.) They took their positions either side of a screen which came up to their chests. Gazing intently they raised and lowered their arms as three lights went out. The stadium resounded with a deafening chant of 'saisho wa gu janken hoi!' The two hands fell in unison and a giant screen showed Ryou's hand in its famous scissors formation. Rock's hand was not a rock, it was paper. The spectators rose to their feet with an almighty roar as Takeshi and Paper took to the stage. Takeshi played rock but Paper pulled a double bluff and his flat palm sent the Chinese supporters into a frenzy. The whole stadium grew tense as Mei and Scissor prepared to do battle. The lights went out, the crowd chanted and a moment after the hands fell for the final time the screen displayed two clenched fists. The crowd murmured as the footage was played back in slow motion. As a replay was called a pained expression fell across Mei's face and she clutched her right arm. The Japanese supporters fell uneasy as a physio rushed towards her. Everyone trembled with anitcipation. The whole Earth seemed to tremble. The Earth was trembling. 'Jishin' said a voice nervously. 'Jishin' came another and another until the ground shook so violently that there was no room for words as some people started running and others remained still or curled up on the ground. The stage was suddenly empty; the competitors all whisked off to safety. As announcements on the PA urged everyone to remain calm the sky blackened and seemed to close in. The heat became stifling and people started to pass out. Others tried to run but the air was like treacle slowing their movements and crushing their bones .... .
'My black hole beats your planet' laughed Zeus.
'Yes' said Mars. 'I should have cut it with my comet. Come on then. Best of three.'